The Love Goddess

While surfing Veoh.com yesterday, I ran into this channel. A love expert. Curious as to why a woman would ever brag about dating lots of men in “6 cities, 4 countries and 2 continents,” I googled her to see if she was for real or if she was just some loon with her own video channel. Well, she is real. Lucia Demasi, dating and relationship expert, has done a good job of carving out her niche, between radio, TV interviews, a book, the Learning Annex, and of course, the web.

I’ve been out of the dating game for 10 years now and am not up to speed on what’s trendy or how what sort of street cred a love expert needs these days. So here was my naïve question- is she married?

From her website bio:

She’s caused an ex to sob hysterically when she told him she was seeing someone new; She’s inspired a man to climb a tree outside her apartment to try to find out why she stopped returning his calls; And she’s reduced a self-described “player” to a frustrated mess, forcing him to seek advice from his famous rap star friend on how to win her over. Most recently, a man flew across the country just to see her for 5½ hours and another man said, “I love you” only one hour after meeting her.

Substitute “He” for all the “she’s”  on that paragraph and, well, yikes. I still don’t know if she’s married, but I suppose it doesn’t matter. Everyone has got to earn a living. Salùd Lucia, eh.

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Bumped

I was going to have my 2nd appearance on ABC World News tonight. The usual drill: the producer calls in the late morning, Ronnie and Ann drop everything to find me, and multi task by reaching the producer and a client that fits the story. I speed home to get changed, meet them at my listing in Mt Vernon, and then we shoot. I’ve learned to hope that when this happens to hope for a slow news day, because the last time the Space shuttle delayed the story running for a week.

Alas, it was not to be. Some piece of garbage in Texas just shot up Fort Hood. Lots of deaths. Such a horrendous tragedy, and one of the casualties is my TV appearance. Thoughts and prayers for the real victims.

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$365 Million

The record $365 Million Powerball jackpot from this past Saturday had one winning ticket in Nebraska. They have not come forward, so it remains to be seen if there was a lone winner or if the ticket was purchased by a pool of people. I always feel a twinge of disappointment when the really large totals are won by 12 guys from the same tool and dye shop as opposed to a single person, but for the winners’ sake it is good to have a little support after coming into such a life-changing windfall.

Jack Whittaker has become the poster boy for post-jackpot misery, but that probably has more to do with the sheer size of his winnings (over $100 million as opposed to the 5 or 10 million you read about with the other sob stories) than his character. The lottery organizations never tell you about the suffering winners experience after their lucky day.

I actually had a client who was a New York Lotto winner. He was the prototypical winner: a blue collar worker from the Bronx who lived paycheck to paycheck, and came into the right six numbers at the right time. The one thing the lottery couldn’t do was give him a long life, and he passed away too young this past year. I won’t disclose anything about him beyond that, but I will say this: the law of unintended consequences is alive and well even with jackpot winners. The bills may be handled, but life doesn’t suddenly get any easier for the suddenly wealthy.

At some point, I may indulge in a small fantasy about what I’d do with the money. In the meantime, I have my dollars, such as they are, and my dreams.

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Ebay’s Problems

Ebay, that giant garage sale in cyberspace, is experiencing problems with fraud and counterfeit merchandise. I used Ebay rather often, buying everything from a laptop to Tupperware. However, I honestly can’t recall the last time I bought anything there because I got tired of the horrendous lack of recourse for deadbeat sellers. The first time it was half of an electronics order, where a $15 item was never shipped, and I couldn’t get anywhere with the seller. The second time, a $75 wooden children’s table never arrived. The best I could do was leave a negative feedback rating.

Even though both were purchased through Ebay subsidiary Paypal, I couldn’t get anywhere through "Safe harbor" or any other means, including contacting the sellers directly. It would seem to me that if Ebay owns Paypal, then they could penalize the deadbeat seller and refund my money. However, it was plainly obvious they couldn’t, or wouldn’t help me out, and I was caught up in the catch-22 of not being able to lodge a complaint until 30 days past the purchase, at which time I would be informed that pertinent things necessary for recourse expired after 30 days.

So to hell with them.

More thoughts at Dave Friedman’s Soul of Wit.

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0+0=0

The two red-headed stepchildren of TV networks, UPN and (the) WB, have announced that they will be merging.

Elsewhere, Liechtenstein and Luxembourg have signed a treaty to form an economic superstate.

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Postage

A significant component of my business is the mail.

1. Postage rate increases became effective 12 days ago.
2. Most of the discussion in the post office lobby, where I am daily, centers around how many people were caught unaware of the change. It is usually a customer speaking with the clerk, who explains it was in all the newspapers and so forth.
3. I still cannot purchase postcard stamps at the new price, which forces me to buy 1 cent stamps, which they promptly ran out of, so now I use 2 cent stamps.
4. The excuse for the dearth of updated postage is the overwhelming demand.
5. In light of point #2 this makes no sense.

Why can’t they have updated postage 12 days after the fact?

And there are people that think government is a solution to our problems. They can’t even raise their revenue efficiently!

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Gratuities

This is a rant I have harbored for many years.

Anyone who has worked for gratuities is usually a good tipper. I have, over the years, bussed tables, waited, delivered pizza, and tended bar. I always hustled and tried to be personable, so I was typically happy at closing time. I also know the sting of busting your rear end for some Prima Donna, only to get stiffed when they pay the check. It is for that reason that I have always enjoyed the sardonically titled website Bitter Waitress. Among the features on the site is the STD, or "Shitty Tippers Database," where servers submit the names and locations of persons guilty of being  less than generous. Among my favorite entries is this one on Michael Moore: "Dude, where’s my tip?" Moore appears more than once, as do John Kerry, Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears and Omorosa Manigault-Stallworth of reality TV fame.

My experience is that as ingrained as tipping is in our culture, people do not really understand it. This slob certainly doesn’t get it. Given that I have some experience in the subject, I will tell you how tips really work in American restaurants.

If you don’t tip the server, they don’t eat. It is as simple as that.

Tips aren’t an option in the sense that they are a compliment. They are literally the labor cost of the establishment. Shift pay, hourly wages, or whatever you want to call it, is simply a vehicle by which the business withholds taxes and social security. Typically, they equal less than minimum wage. The real wages are the server’s tips. I always shake my head when pompous windbags, especially those who are used to the way things are done abroad, pontificate on how tips are some optional, if-I-feel-like-it, discretionary sort of pat on the back for heroic effort. No. Tips are part of the check. If you tip someone less than 15% in the United States of America, and they have given you anything equal to or above acceptable service, you are a jerk. If you are an annoying and unpleasant customer and you tip less than 15%, you are a worthless scumbag. This is why, in many restaurants, parties of 6 or more are automatically charged an 18% gratuity. A table that size is too much time and effort for the server to risk getting stiffed.

I don’t care how they do it in France or Ireland. We aren’t there. If you don’t believe me, come out for a beer on McLean Avenue in Yonkers and we can talk to some Irish bartenders I know. They’ll set you straight. If we were in Ireland, the server would get 15% of the check automatically, so a tip there truly is a generous option. But here we don’t build the cost into the check, it is added on. Chalk it up to the entrepreneurial spirit. Maybe we like risks more, or we’ve gambled that we could do better. I don’t know why, but it is the way it is, and that is 15% or more for anything better than bad service. 17 – 20% for excellent service is in order as well.

In my experience, the best tippers are working folks: mechanics, small business owners, carpenters. The worst? Trophy wives, politicians, government employees and middle management types. Feast or famine: lawyers, doctors, the affluent and celebrities. I say that the world would be a better place if everyone waited tables for at least a summer in their life. Nobody would ever stiff anyone again after that, and they’d certainly never be rude to their waitress or bartender ever again either.

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Dell Customer Service Sucks

Thanks to voicemail hell and $99 minimum fees for anything not hardware related, Dell makes a mockery of the commercials they used to run where they bragged about their "award-winning customer service."

Since they can’t see the business sense of giving new customers 5 minutes to answer a simple question as to why their bundled Norton virus software prevented my Outlook from retrieving mail, I uninstalled the damn thing and got McAfee for free from my AOL account.

I remain galled, but protected frm viruses. And I can get my email now. Thanks for nothing, Dell.

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Peak Oil

I have been meaning to write about a web site on "Peak Oil" I saw some time ago, which would have been more timely commentary when gasoline was over $3.00 a gallon this past year. Here is the first paragraph:

Civilization as we know it is coming to an end soon. This is not the wacky proclamation of a doomsday cult, apocalypse bible prophecy sect, or conspiracy theory society. Rather, it is the scientific conclusion of the best paid, most widely-respected geologists, physicists, and investment bankers in the world. These are rational, professional, conservative individuals who are absolutely terrified by a phenomenon known as global "Peak Oil."

A review of the author’s bio told me that he’s a California attorney who, after studying the ideas of Peak Oil (better known as The Hubbert peak theory, which posits that as oil passes it’s apex the costs associated will be catastrophic), resigned himself to the idea that the career, wife and children he thought he’d enjoy into old age were no longer an option, because the world is going to end. Well, I have a wife and kids, and since I have more skins in the game than this character, I choose not to participate in his apocalypse.

Futurists annoy me. I recall reading in 9th grade social studies Thomas Robert Malthus’ rosy words:

"While population increases geometrically, the food supply increases incrementally."

He said this in 1804 when the world population was 1 billion. His prediction of world doom never came to be. There is hunger for sure, but not because of scarce resources, but because of corrupt governments and horrendous distribution. Fix those issues and hunger ceases as a persistent problem. We have enough food.

Here is what my older brother said in a recent email to someone who decried the percentage of world resources we currently use in America:

I read the MSNBC article, and didn’t see much new there, except that Chinese provinces are re-thinking their policy of discouraging small cars.

As far as your note above, here is something from the eminent Canadian right wing  whacko Mark Steyn, excerpted from his recent article,  "It’s the Demography. Stupid" OpinionJournal – Extra , which was in the Reactionary Rag AKA the Wall Street Journal:

The Western world has delivered more wealth and more comfort to more of its citizens than any other civilization in history, and in return we’ve developed a great cult of worrying. You know the classics of the genre: In 1968, in his bestselling book "The Population Bomb," the eminent scientist Paul Ehrlich declared: "In the 1970s the world will undergo famines–hundreds of millions of people are going to starve to death." In 1972, in their landmark study "The Limits to Growth," the Club of Rome announced that the world would run out of gold by 1981, of mercury by 1985, tin by 1987, zinc by 1990, petroleum by 1992, and copper, lead and gas by 1993.

None of these things happened. In fact, quite the opposite is happening. We’re pretty much awash in resources, but we’re running out of people–the one truly indispensable resource, without which none of the others matter. Russia’s the most obvious example: it’s the largest country on earth, it’s full of natural resources, and yet it’s dying–its population is falling calamitously. 

I was taught much of the above, at Fairfield University, in 1972 and 1973, by the late ecology specialist Dr. Salvatore Bongiorno, who I did ecology courses with, as well as a senior research project. I read "The Limits of Growth".

Now here’s some more bad news, unless you’re a member of ZPG (or you’re a diehard Republican). Again it’s from Steyn’s opinion piece:

the hard data on babies around the Western world is that they’re running out a lot faster than the oil is. "Replacement" fertility rate–i.e., the number you need for merely a stable population, not getting any bigger, not getting any smaller–is 2.1 babies per woman. Some countries are well above that: the global fertility leader, Somalia, is 6.91, Niger 6.83, Afghanistan 6.78, Yemen 6.75. Notice what those nations have in common?

Scroll way down to the bottom of the Hot One Hundred top breeders and you’ll eventually find the United States, hovering just at replacement rate with 2.07 births per woman. Ireland is 1.87, New Zealand 1.79, Australia 1.76. But Canada’s fertility rate is down to 1.5, well below replacement rate; Germany and Austria are at 1.3, the brink of the death spiral; Russia and Italy are at 1.2; Spain 1.1, about half replacement rate. That’s to say, Spain’s population is halving every generation. By 2050, Italy’s population will have fallen by 22%, Bulgaria’s by 36%, Estonia’s by 52%. In America, demographic trends suggest that the blue states ought to apply for honorary membership of the EU: In the 2004 election, John Kerry won the 16 with the lowest birthrates; George W. Bush took 25 of the 26 states with the highest. By 2050, there will be 100 million fewer Europeans, 100 million more Americans–and mostly red-state Americans.

When your daughter is my age, the world is going to be even more transformed than it has been since the early sixties – but it wont be for lack of energy sources.

Another person more intelligent than I (and unlike my brother Tom, better looking) added the significant point that technology will trump depletion. For instance, for 99.99% of recorded time silicon was useless to most modern applications. Moreover, there are vast fortunes to be made in fuel innovation and other technology which will render current practices and business as usual obsolete. If you follow the money, you’ll find the future. Personally, I find money more compelling than zero-sum game theory anyway.

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$300,000

At a closing this past Tuesday, an attorney told me that that the membership fee for the Trump National Golf Course right next to me in Briarcliff Manor, NY is $250,000.00. I don’t know if this is how lawyers typically gossip, but she’s wrong. It is actually $300,000.00. I believe that is an annual figure. Even if it isn’t, that is an awful lot of jellybeans. I am a capitalist and believe that people ought to be free to do what they wish with their assets. That won’t stop me, however, from viewing that as being utterly vulgar. 

This guy has a different angle.

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Competence

I am affiliated with a mortgage broker and my home office is registered in Albany as a branch. Occasionally, representatives from wholesale lenders send me literature, which gets filed with the recyclables. Sometimes I’ll read what these people have to say, and it chills me that these are the people who are partly responsible for the mortgages that you and I have. Here are some highlights from one package I got today (my emphasis added):

Dear Owner/Branch Manager,

Loanshark is a sub-prime wholesale lender based in Westchester/Elmsford, New York (We also do A paper which we process faster then A Banks, but its subprime pricing).  On the average, if a file is submitted properly it can close as little as 3-5 days, sometimes even faster (unlike A-Paper).  This all depends on the circumstances, how the loan is submitted, etc. Once a file is submitted, an approval will be issued in 24-48 hours.

I am an internal rep who will overlook the entire process of your files and have "On-Hands" presence to fix any issues that may arise on your file.  Prequals can be done while I’m on the phone with you, if it is complex you can fax to me and I can do it in a matter of minutes.  I have been in the business for 4 years, worked on the inside for Loanshark for 2+ years. I know what it takes to get a loan closed at Loanshark. I excel at high volume, return all calls promptly and I am true to my word. I am not going to promise you something that I can not deliver. Please call me to go over any scenarios, I am in the office all day awaiting to service your loan needs.

If you decide to use me as your rep, please alert your entire staff that your Loanshark rep will be Joe Shlabotnik. We do not want the possibility of another Loanshark rep soliciting your branch.  We will need a complete submission to lock me in as your Account Rep.  You will see the difference in how we close loans.  Sheila Dingbat is my Senior Account Manager that has closed 80+ loans in one month.  She has higher sign off authority than most Account Managers, which means your files can close faster than normal.

Thank you for you attention pertaining to this matter, and I look forward to doing business with you!

Joe Shlabotnik

Loanshark Mortgage

You might find other errors that I missed. My favorite was his promise to "overlook" my entire loan process, and I wonder if that was a Freudian slip and not a syntax error. The "excel at high volume" blurb was good too-does he shriek? Truly, we live in a magnificent country for an inept dope like this to be able to make a living helping us keep a roof over our heads.

If you have Microsoft word and another minute to kill, here is a howler that was emailed to me yesterday from an upstate loan officer for a physician to whom I recently sold a condominium. This is this slob’s excuse for a pre-approval letter for the doctor. It looks like my 10 year old nephew wrote it, lacking even a decent letterhead, applicable disclosures for licensure information, or the proper classification for the property. If I were stupid enough to submit this to the listing broker they’d kill the whole deal on general principle.

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Hooters Girls to Sell Pharmaceuticals

…sort of. Drug companies are recruiting college cheerleaders to peddle drugs to physicians. You thought Hooters was unique?

Ms. Napier, 26, was a star cheerleader on the national-champion University of Kentucky squad, which has been a springboard for many careers in pharmaceutical sales. She now plies doctors’ offices selling the antacid Prevacid for TAP Pharmaceutical Products.

Ms. Napier says the skills she honed performing for thousands of fans helped land her job. "I would think, essentially, that cheerleaders make good sales people," she said.

Anyone who has seen the parade of sales representatives through a doctor’s waiting room has probably noticed that they are frequently female and invariably good looking. Less recognized is the fact that a good many are recruited from the cheerleading ranks.

Known for their athleticism, postage-stamp skirts and persuasive enthusiasm, cheerleaders have many qualities the drug industry looks for in its sales force. Some keep their pompoms active, like Onya, a sculptured former college cheerleader. On Sundays she works the sidelines for the Washington Redskins. But weekdays find her urging gynecologists to prescribe a treatment for vaginal yeast infection.

Here’s Onya in her part -time gig. Would you buy Viagra from this woman?

What will the drug companies think of next?

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Another Sign of Economic Progress in India

The things you find when googling an unrelated issue…

Hooters sets its eyes on India

With all those reports of call centers heading off to India, one U.S. brand intends to tap into the subcontinent’s growing prosperity. Hooters is exporting its controversial brand of home-grown sex appeal.

The Atlanta-based restaurant chain, known more for its scantily-clad female servers than its rib-sticking menu, this week announced it signed a deal to open several Indian franchise locations, though it has not said where.

Is it time to welcome the Babes of Bangalore?

"I am looking forward to the ‘recreation’ of this dining atmosphere," Sunil Bedi, Managing Director of franchisee H.O.I. Pvt. Ltd., said in a statement.

Hooters has drawn attention — and more than a little backlash — for its trademark outfits, generally a white tank top and hip-hugging orange shorts, more often than not worn by young, attractive, often … um, well-developed women.

"The outfits don’t change. We make some allowances for local menu," said Mike McNeil, vice president of marketing for Hooters of America . "We might have the steak sandwich, but you might also be able to get fish and rice or curried chicken or something like that."

**Sigh** I love capitalism.

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Cyber Coolies?

A think tank in India has completed a study that disputes the notion that Indians who have jobs in call centers that are outsourced from American companies are grateful for the work. Among the terms used were "cyber coolies," and one of the points made was that the employees are under more surveillance than inmates in a prison. You can listen to the NPR report by going to the linked story.

A debate has begun in India over whether the country’s educated and talented young people working in call centers are victims of exploitation. A report from a government-funded think tank compared some centers with "Roman slave galley ships" and says some employees suffer chronic fatigue and depression.

Most of the people interviewed were recent graduates just starting out who couldn’t get better jobs. Not everyone agrees with the study, but I would venture to say that those who truly believe such inane hogwash that people with outsourced American jobs are being exploited are a small minority. India has a enormous rising middle class, and call centers play a significant role.

Linked to the Blue State Conservatives.

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Dollar at 18-Month High Vs Euro

According to the Financial Times. I probably wouldn’t have known this if I were reading a domestic news source. It doesn’t fit the agenda.

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